Letters to My Hobbit 16

Sam,

Today might have been the worst day I’ve ever experienced since your death a few months ago.  So what happened is the bank wants to reclaim your last SSDI checks that were deposited erroneously.  They want this money redeposited because the Government says he died. But guess what? The bank won’t deal with me at all until I can prove that you died. So the government will get that money from the bank because the bank believes your dead, but they won’t believe your dead for me unless I bring the death cert which I STILL DON”T HAVE BECAUSE CARNES FUNERAL HOME IS A ROYAL *&$#UP house. But that’s what happens when you have to deal with a county program. You get $#*!!y service and you have to be glad for it. It isn’t that I don’t want to pay them back. I was prepared to, but I can’t do it when they want it, in FIVE DAYS. And it’s brought up all these memories about you dying, dealing with the funeral home that never ever went well, ordering a DEATH CERTIFICATE that never came, and just everything that has to do with you DYING. I cried about an hour at work. Got paid 20.00 to do it though… so I guess there’s that. I cried off and on having to take calls, thinking about how this entire thing SUCKS and how nothing about this has gone right, though I still feel blessed to have spent the last 7 months of your life with you almost 24/7. I say “I love you” much more now than I ever did when you was alive, and I told you “I love you” a lot when you were alive. I guess I do love you even more now, I hope you love me more too, but this sucks. I really just want to feel like I can emotionally handle these things, and I just can’t. I want to get to that place where these things don’t make me cry all day and for an hour straight at work. I don’t want to forget you, I just want to get to a place where it’s okay to be frustrated without feeling like I’m being pushed under water again. You grok?

And… I dropped my phone in the toilet and it stopped working so I had to get an AT&T paygo phone because it’s a holiday weekend and I wouldn’t have got a new phone by MOnday.  I’m not sure the deductible is worth it anyway.  125 for that Nokia Lumina 925, which I don’t even really like anyway…  I might just get something else for the same money.

Anyway… After all of that I went to counseling and cried some more.  I think I’ve spent most of the day crying.  I will probably have a massive headache tomorrow.

I bought chocolate.

I love you.

Noelle

Letters to my Hobbit – 13

Dear Sam,

I want to make it clear, first, that I am not “miserable.” I am just not happy.  Everyone has their advice on how I can be happier, including faking it, which I do and have done very, very well.  I even feel it most of the time when I’m with other people.  It’s just those little moments I get choked up, or when I have time to actually think, or when I see your picture, or when something reminds me of you, and most of the time, I don’t even know when or where that will happen–it’s then I cry and cry and cry and cry.  No one’s advice has helped except one person I never really expected to be a help to me through this.  There are others who offer no advice at all, they are just there and supportive, and those are people I hadn’t expected either.  They are all people I met through the internet.  I’ve met them in person, but only once, so I get really defensive when people talk about how bad the internet is for relationships. First, I met you through the internet–and I will never, ever say that was a bad thing, even if it caused me the most emotional pain I have ever experienced in my life.  And these other people I met through the internet, I wouldn’t want to be deprived of them just because they are not people I see IRL every day.

I think maybe I’m crying because Erin isn’t here, and she doesn’t have to see it.  Maybe I feel a little more free to cry without the kids here, but it still makes me feel broken and unhappy.  Maybe I am broken.  I’m not quite sure, and I’m not sure it actually matters.

I had been writing our biography, but I got to a place where I just can’t write it anymore.  It just hurts too much right now.

I have your ashes beside me.  I don’t know if I can put them in the containers they are supposed to go in to give to your brothers/sister and the special container I got for you. I have asked someone to do it for me, but I don’t know if they will yet.

I’m calling someone about counseling tomorrow.  I’m also going to take a day, maybe two, off because I just am so deeply, emotionally exhausted and I don’t think I can sleep well without sleeping pills and I don’t think I can stay awake tomorrow if I take them.  If I can pull myself together tomorrow, I will go back on Tuesday.  I will talk to the lawyer and try to do the things I can’t do while I’m working.

Heavenly Father did clear the way for making this as ‘easy’ as possible on me, I know, and I can see all the little ways he’s done it, but it’s still not easy.  I don’t think I’ve cried this much since that first week you actually passed.  Maybe it’s hormones, mayve it’s your ashes, maybe it’s the weekend, maybe it’s the kids not being here, or a combination of all those things.  Maybe I just really miss you and still love you so incredibly that I don’t want to think about 20 or 30 years without you.

I’ve decided I will work on the fantasy allegory of our life, the one we’d been making up as we went along “The Book of Calinor.”  I’ll take it seriously and try to make it reflect us and our life, and maybe even our future.  I don’t know yet.

I love you.

I wish there weren’t a veil between our worlds, though I suppose it would take all the faith out of being here.

Goodnight, sweetie.

Noelle

Letters To My Hobbit – 12

Sam,

I cry almost every day.  I want to stop crying and at the same time, I’m afraid that I will stop crying.  Does that make sense?

There is more to say, but it all sounds selfish and childish upon examination, so I’ll let it go.

I miss you.

Maybe if I was a better woman, maybe if I were more Christlike, I would be close enough to the veil to feel you.  But even great prophets mourned with sackcloth and ashes.  I am not better than they.

I do wish the veil were thinner…

Love

Noelle

Letters to my Hobbit – 11

My Beloved Hobbit,

God I miss you.  I know I’ll see you again, but that doesn’t stop the pain right now.  Stupid things seem to set me off and bring me to tears.  I went to Foodtown today, by myself, and I couldn’t help thinking about you.  I don’t know if I can count the number of times I’ve been to Foodtown without you.  Maybe a handful, but now all my trips will be without you.

I told my friend today that I had this amazing, overwhelming craving for salt, and I couldn’t figure it out.  She said “CRYING! Duh!” and I said “Oh.  Yeah.  That makes sense.”  I have been on a low fat diet forever, but have been craving salty stuff like crackers and chips for the last two weeks.  I guess I must really be crying a lot.

Work is fine.  The people there are fine, but I have absolutely no desire to work there most of the time.  I don’t even really care if I lost the house.  I probably wouldn’t work if I didn’t have the house.  So maybe God knows what he’s doing and how he set things up.  He set out the net to catch me before I even knew I was falling.

I ordered your death certificate…

Something good did happen today, I got our rings back.  I had your wedding ring attached to mine.  Now I can wear them both:

tworings

I now have a schmantzy wedding ring.  Custom made.  Unique, sentimental and invaluable.

I think I’ll go to bed now and try not to cry so much.

Love you.

Your Queen of the Faye

Letters To My Hobbit – 2

Dear Sam,

Today was not a good day. I can’t say the weekend was all that good either, but you’ve already heard about that. The day started with printers not working and my mind constantly wondering back to you. I find I’m just not that interested in life right now, but I can’t even get myself to be interested in fantasy or science fiction, or much of anything. Maybe this is all perfectly natural. It makes complete sense to me now why men die so soon after their wives. It gets to feeling like “What’s the point?” I know everyone will say the kids need me and blah blah blah, but they don’t really. Only the house needs me right now. It’s the only thing that needs my income to get back to health, to be repaired. But I’m just not that into the house without you. I can’t bring myself to clean the closet, do my laundry, fill a scrapbook page, write a card.

I got a bill for your surgery and your first stay in the hospital today. I also got the name of a lawyer to talk to about your case. I keep trying to psych myself up to do this or that, but I still end up here, at this place, with a big black hole in my chest and wet cheeks. I want to be interested in something. I want to be diverted, but nothing helps. Even food does not taste good. Nothing makes me feel like it’s worth eating–but don’t worry, I won’t lose weight, that would just help me live longer.

I’m having a hard time wanting to go on, but I don’t want to alarm anyone. I’m not suicidal. I’m just not that interested in life. I’m trying really hard to find a way to pull myself out of it. It’s not easy. It’s much harder than the last time I was seriously depressed. That was just over finances and our situation (which turned out to be a blessing). This is something significantly more substantial, and I really can’t give much of a crap about finances at the moment, which would worry me normally. Who else will take care of finances now if I don’t? As for the kids–I just honestly don’t think they care all that much about me. Sure they would if I were GONE, but I’m not, and they are all pretty AWOL, except my daughter. I think I will rewrite my will to leave her everything. I will have to rewrite my will now anyway, since I had written it to leave everything to you. One more reason to talk to lawyers.

Speaking of which, I am going to be talking to one about medical malpractice.

I can’t write anything creative right now. All I seem to be able to do is write these letters. I’m not sure if they are actually helping, then again, I’m not sure anything can help right now.

I am wondering if your sister Bethany met you when you arrived, or maybe Billy Joe, or Steve. Maybe your mom met you.

I’m having a really hard time, Sam. Please come home, or take me home or help me think of what makes it worth it to be left behind.

Love,

Noelle

Hobbits and Wizards and Elves, Oh My! (guest post by my Hobbit)

When my Hobbit asked what I wanted for my birthday (which was Monday) — #itsmybirthdayandillblogifIwantto, I asked him for a guest blog post.  So here it is:

Hobbits and Wizards and Elves, Oh My!

[POSSIBLE SPOILERS!]

Our home is into hobbits and wizards and elves (and almost everything fantastical) so naturally there was much excitement and anticipation over Peter Jackson’s latest Hobbit installment: The Desolation of Smaug.

Noelle said that she rather liked the dwarf/elf romance in Desolation of Smaug, and I admit that even though it is totally outside of Tolkien canon, it makes for some interesting Peter Jackson fanfiction.

The “interracial romance” suits me because at some point in our marriage I decided that Noelle was a Fae Queen and she decided that I was her Hobbit. Don’t ask… But, in case you were wondering, a hobbit/fae romance can work out quite well, thank you very much.

The Queen of the Fae has magical powers that I don’t have. For example, when I spill a bag of ice, she can see into the murky nether regions called “the floor” and find those stray ice cubes that I can’t see. She can also hear speech and music which are quite beyond the range of my hobbit senses, and she can interpret them in the High Tongue of Calinor: American Sign Language.

The Queen particularly enjoys interpeting Christmas music in the High Tongue.

So, in a way, she does have semi-magical powers that I don’t have. But I fancy that I bring the sturdiness, steadfastness, and plain hobbit-sense to our household which would otherwise be lacking. That’s what she tells me, anyway. The Fae Queen often calls me “her rock” just because I am so reliably me.

So let’s hear it for noncanonical dwarf/elf romances, and even crossover hobbit/fae romances. As you might have noticed, we take our fantasy roleplaying seriously here in the Realm of Calinor!

+Sam

My Hobbit needs an upgrade!

I just put up a Gofundme campaign for my Hobbit’s Cochlear Implant Upgrade.  Visit it here: http://www.gofundme.com/5n569o.

Here is a bit of the background story: My husband Sam has Ushers Syndrome. He is deaf and rapidly going blind. In 2002, his mother convinced him to get a Cochlear Implant and his unit was one of the big Sprint Processor/ Body Worn CI’s like pictured above. Last year, 11 years later, it was so obsolete that we couldn’t find parts for it and the CI processor was no longer compatible with the programs used to update and calibrate it. So we applied for a new CI. Sam’s Medicare covers 80%, but the amount left was still about 1500.00. The people at Cochlear America gave us a generous waiver, but we are still responsible for about 400 dollars of the new processor, fees for follow up doctors (CI Specialists) visits, and the other necessities for upgrading to the new Nucleus 6 behind the ear processor (the object on the left is the CI part that is inside his head and ear and the right is the processor): Our budget is very tight and we can’t really afford 400 dollars, but without the CI, Sam is seriously sensory deprived. We are hoping our friends, family and community members will help us out with this drive to raise money for his implant.

Conversations With The Hobbit: Part 1

My Hobbit: i just wonder if there’s more ‘science’ than we think in scripture
Me: well, I’m pretty sure that scriptures/prophets weren’t all that concerned with science. That’s like asking an astronomer what he thinks about rotating crops: you know? It’s really not fair to expect them to be an expert in both fields, especially when that option really wasn’t available to them. They knew about sheep. They could tell you how to breed a good ewe. That’s about all the science they knew, but for their time, that was pretty damned important and yet, people always expect prophets to know more about science than scientists know about faith (or sheep).