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Got the first better quality pictures of my paper art done and put two pages together for my comic about Sam Campbell III and his experience with mental illness. Interested in feedback. Please comment. It’s all paper (including dialogue bubbles) except the narrative text.
Part one can be found at the link Here: A Deaf In The Family: Sam Is Schizo (pt 1)
There were times when I was convinced that other people could ‘hack into’ my brain. I remember having a conversation with someone online, and I became paranoid that this person was trying to hack into my brain to either steal thoughts or give me a ‘mind virus.’
I had several psychotic breaks while I was working as a software developer for a banking corporation. While I would try to concentrate on my work, sometimes the computer screen would seem to start glowing at me, and I was convinced that angels were trying to contact me over the Internet. Sometimes I would wander around inside the building and pictures on the wall would start glowing too. I had the peculiar idea that I was actually the CEO of the company I worked for.
I also remember one time when I went downtown to a B. Dalton’s bookstore. While I was in the store, everything started glowing. I walked around transfixed by this blinding light. I would think that the titles of the books were coded messages meant just for me.
Another time I was at the Universal Studios theme park and I had a psychotic break. I remember walking through a Dr. Seuss exhibit, and I was mesmerized by all of the pictures. I thought that I was somehow literally travelling through time and becoming part of a Dr. Seuss story, and that I would be loved by children for all eternity.
I remember thinking several times that electricity was intelligent, and that I could communicate with light bulbs.
I had the curious notion a few times that when I smoked a cigarette, I was inhaling “the sins of the world” and internally converting them from evil to good. I suppose I thought I was a Messiah with a Magic Marlboro.
There were, of course, many movies which I thought had coded references just for me, or that I was actually a character in a particular movie. The first time I remember this happening was when I was watching a movie called Stay Tuned, in which a television junkie is sucked into “Satan’s Cable Channel” and has to match wits with demons in order to get back into the real world. Other movies in which I thought I was a character include The Truman Show, The Matrix, Fight Club, Legend, and Cool World. I’m sure there are more, but I can’t remember them all offhand.
There was also the curious phenomena which I called “channeling.” I would sit at the computer and I would suddenly become convinced that I was being ‘invaded’ by an entity of some sort. I would type whatever came to mind, thinking that this ‘entity’ was speaking through me. Later I would go back and read these things and naturally they didn’t make very much sense.
I even thought I could channel the spirits of singers, living and dead. To my embarrassment, at one time I even thought I was channeling Dolly Parton. Yes, I can laugh at this now, along with just about everything else I’ve detailed, but at the time it was pretty sad.
I remember having a long ‘conversation’ one time with a tree. The tree would ‘say’ things such as “I am ancient and weary…” or “I am filled with the power of the earth…” I remember that there were ants and ladybugs crawling on me, and I went to brush them off, but the insects would beg me not to kill them because they had a right to live just as I did. I thought that the tree was magical like the ‘One Tree’ from a series of books by Stephen R. Donaldson. The series by Donaldson revolved around a leper with a magical ring made out of white gold. I actually had a white gold wedding band specially made when I was engaged to a girl named Michelle. I was convinced at one point that the ring was magical just like Thomas Covenant’s ring (the character from the Stephen R. Donaldson series). Eventually I gave the ring to my best friend when he got engaged to his current wife.
I have very few examples of any of my writing that I did during psychotic breaks. I happened to come across an entry I posted online during a particularly bad break:
I saw this girl in the hospital, and she was full of Joy and Glory. I wonder if Lewis could have written a more Holy Story. she was a combination of all my favorite dreams, boy, and I tell you now that even jack doesn’t know JACK sometimes about the Kennedy’s and the tories and the wigs. let’s all get out of this place a little while and reflect that not everything Jack knew was straight from the heart.
I have deleted most of the other examples of writing that I’ve done, mainly out of sheer embarrassment.
The very first time I ever experienced a psychotic break, I had just ‘recommitted’ my life to God. I had challenged ‘the devil’ to an all-out battle. Curiously enough, I wrote a poem during that psychotic break that actually does seem to be quite coherent, if a little sing-songish:
Knight of Faith
All my life I’ve wanted
Just to be a noble Knight;
To serve a perfect purpose
And to fight a winning fight.
So I tried to find my purpose,
And I searched within my soul–
But tho I did not understand it
I knew I wasn’t whole.
I found through introspection,
Through my searching deep within,
That I could not tame my nature
Being bested by my Sin
For my soul was dark and selfish
And I gave it up for dead
‘Til one day I found a Bible
And examin’d what it said…
Then I was gripp’d by firm conviction
I was wrong and it was right!
And I knew if there was Darkness
That there also must be Light.
Then my heart began to tremble
And my bones began to sing–
For there, between the pages,
I had found my rightful king!
And I found to my amazement
That my Bible was a sword
If I only swore allegiance
To Christ, the Living Lord.
Now I’m in his noble service,
My perfect purpose in my sight–
And I thank my God Almighty
I’m a servant of the Light!
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