A Deaf In The Family: Sam is Schizo (pt 2)

Part one can be found at the link Here: A Deaf In The Family: Sam Is Schizo (pt 1)


There were times when I was convinced that other people could ‘hack into’ my brain. I remember having a conversation with someone online, and I became paranoid that this person was trying to hack into my brain to either steal thoughts or give me a ‘mind virus.’

I had several psychotic breaks while I was working as a software developer for a banking corporation. While I would try to concentrate on my work, sometimes the computer screen would seem to start glowing at me, and I was convinced that angels were trying to contact me over the Internet. Sometimes I would wander around inside the building and pictures on the wall would start glowing too. I had the peculiar idea that I was actually the CEO of the company I worked for.

I also remember one time when I went downtown to a B. Dalton’s bookstore. While I was in the store, everything started glowing. I walked around transfixed by this blinding light. I would think that the titles of the books were coded messages meant just for me.

Another time I was at the Universal Studios theme park and I had a psychotic break. I remember walking through a Dr. Seuss exhibit, and I was mesmerized by all of the pictures. I thought that I was somehow literally travelling through time and becoming part of a Dr. Seuss story, and that I would be loved by children for all eternity.

I remember thinking several times that electricity was intelligent, and that I could communicate with light bulbs.

I had the curious notion a few times that when I smoked a cigarette, I was inhaling “the sins of the world” and internally converting them from evil to good. I suppose I thought I was a Messiah with a Magic Marlboro.

There were, of course, many movies which I thought had coded references just for me, or that I was actually a character in a particular movie. The first time I remember this happening was when I was watching a movie called Stay Tuned, in which a television junkie is sucked into “Satan’s Cable Channel” and has to match wits with demons in order to get back into the real world. Other movies in which I thought I was a character include The Truman Show, The Matrix, Fight Club, Legend, and Cool World. I’m sure there are more, but I can’t remember them all offhand.

There was also the curious phenomena which I called “channeling.” I would sit at the computer and I would suddenly become convinced that I was being ‘invaded’ by an entity of some sort. I would type whatever came to mind, thinking that this ‘entity’ was speaking through me. Later I would go back and read these things and naturally they didn’t make very much sense.

I even thought I could channel the spirits of singers, living and dead. To my embarrassment, at one time I even thought I was channeling Dolly Parton. Yes, I can laugh at this now, along with just about everything else I’ve detailed, but at the time it was pretty sad.

I remember having a long ‘conversation’ one time with a tree. The tree would ‘say’ things such as “I am ancient and weary…” or “I am filled with the power of the earth…” I remember that there were ants and ladybugs crawling on me, and I went to brush them off, but the insects would beg me not to kill them because they had a right to live just as I did. I thought that the tree was magical like the ‘One Tree’ from a series of books by Stephen R. Donaldson. The series by Donaldson revolved around a leper with a magical ring made out of white gold. I actually had a white gold wedding band specially made when I was engaged to a girl named Michelle. I was convinced at one point that the ring was magical just like Thomas Covenant’s ring (the character from the Stephen R. Donaldson series). Eventually I gave the ring to my best friend when he got engaged to his current wife.

I have very few examples of any of my writing that I did during psychotic breaks. I happened to come across an entry I posted online during a particularly bad break:

I saw this girl in the hospital, and she was full of Joy and Glory. I wonder if Lewis could have written a more Holy Story. she was a combination of all my favorite dreams, boy, and I tell you now that even jack doesn’t know JACK sometimes about the Kennedy’s and the tories and the wigs. let’s all get out of this place a little while and reflect that not everything Jack knew was straight from the heart.

I have deleted most of the other examples of writing that I’ve done, mainly out of sheer embarrassment.

The very first time I ever experienced a psychotic break, I had just ‘recommitted’ my life to God. I had challenged ‘the devil’ to an all-out battle. Curiously enough, I wrote a poem during that psychotic break that actually does seem to be quite coherent, if a little sing-songish:

Knight of Faith

All my life I’ve wanted

Just to be a noble Knight;

To serve a perfect purpose

And to fight a winning fight.

So I tried to find my purpose,

And I searched within my soul–

But tho I did not understand it

I knew I wasn’t whole.

I found through introspection,

Through my searching deep within,

That I could not tame my nature

Being bested by my Sin

For my soul was dark and selfish

And I gave it up for dead

‘Til one day I found a Bible

And examin’d what it said…

Then I was gripp’d by firm conviction

I was wrong and it was right!

And I knew if there was Darkness

That there also must be Light.

Then my heart began to tremble

And my bones began to sing–

For there, between the pages,

I had found my rightful king!

And I found to my amazement

That my Bible was a sword

If I only swore allegiance

To Christ, the Living Lord.

Now I’m in his noble service,

My perfect purpose in my sight–

And I thank my God Almighty

I’m a servant of the Light!