I still am not me. I have not found my new normal. I am pretty good now but I can’t seem to find a routine or do the things that used to give me joy or even a sense of accomplishment or meaning. Nothing tastes the same, not even chocolate. I really want to get back to being me, but I don’t think it is going to happen. I don’t think I know who me is without Sam here. I don’t know that person yet, and its kind frustrating and depressing that I actually have to do it. I still get choked up when I have to talk about him as if he weren’t here, but you know what’s kinda ironic? I used to have to remind myself not to talk about him when he was right there unless I included him somehow in the communication because I didn’t think it was respectful. Sometimes I slipped up and talked about him as if he were not there, or just taking advantage of the fact he couldn’t hear and teased people about it. I don’t actually regret that. Maybe I should, but Idon’t. There isn’t anything I actually regret about my time with Sam except I wish I would have given him more hugs and I am pretty convinced I would think that even if I had given him more hugs. But I am without a job, so to speak. I feel like I am missing limbs. It is not the proper function of a Noelle to be without a Sam… what does a seeing eye wife do when her husband doesn’t need her eyes and ears anymore? I don’t know yet…
I always thought the phrase “words can never hurt me,” was one of the stupidest ever uttered. You WILL be hurt by words (fat, lazy, blonde, skinny). You WILL be offended. The actions of others WILL adversely affect you. How you chose to act, however, is your own choice. There is a universal truth that says: You can’t move forward if you are blaming someone else. This doesn’t mean that they aren’t at fault – it just means that your personal progression is on your own shoulders, not theirs. Their success does not diminish your chances of success (generally). Taking offense may be natural, but letting it roll off your back can become just as natural.
If you are hard of hearing, it’s like being a half breed. You aren’t ‘deaf’ enough to be Deaf and you aren’t hearing enough to be Hearing. There are lots of miscommunications on both sides: One the Deaf side because you are “hearing in your head,” and on the hearing side because you don’t hear them clearly. It’s easy to take offense, but it should also be easy to understand that there are cultural perceptions on each side that easily lead to ‘offense.’ Being in between should also help you understand that it’s not helpful to be offended.
Some people are trying to offend you, it’s true. Nowhere is this more evident than on the internet where anonymity cloaks them. But to stay offended doesn’t really hurt them and only harms you. I think we have a century of clear examples that blame and taking offense does not move you forward in the macro – it can only be magnified in the micro.
So let it roll off your back and move further up and further in.
When my Hobbit asked what I wanted for my birthday (which was Monday) — #itsmybirthdayandillblogifIwantto, I asked him for a guest blog post. So here it is:
Hobbits and Wizards and Elves, Oh My!
Our home is into hobbits and wizards and elves (and almost everything fantastical) so naturally there was much excitement and anticipation over Peter Jackson’s latest Hobbit installment: The Desolation of Smaug.
Noelle said that she rather liked the dwarf/elf romance in Desolation of Smaug, and I admit that even though it is totally outside of Tolkien canon, it makes for some interesting Peter Jackson fanfiction.
The “interracial romance” suits me because at some point in our marriage I decided that Noelle was a Fae Queen and she decided that I was her Hobbit. Don’t ask… But, in case you were wondering, a hobbit/fae romance can work out quite well, thank you very much.
The Queen of the Fae has magical powers that I don’t have. For example, when I spill a bag of ice, she can see into the murky nether regions called “the floor” and find those stray ice cubes that I can’t see. She can also hear speech and music which are quite beyond the range of my hobbit senses, and she can interpret them in the High Tongue of Calinor: American Sign Language.
The Queen particularly enjoys interpeting Christmas music in the High Tongue.
So, in a way, she does have semi-magical powers that I don’t have. But I fancy that I bring the sturdiness, steadfastness, and plain hobbit-sense to our household which would otherwise be lacking. That’s what she tells me, anyway. The Fae Queen often calls me “her rock” just because I am so reliably me.
So let’s hear it for noncanonical dwarf/elf romances, and even crossover hobbit/fae romances. As you might have noticed, we take our fantasy roleplaying seriously here in the Realm of Calinor!
The Hobbit: *sigh* they are probably going to ban bath salts because of retards snorting them or whatnot.
Me: they’ll just make it a behind the counter purchase like your asthma pills
The Hobbit: Man on bath salts impersonates chicken, lands in jail : Knoxville News Sentinel: that’s some good shit, man! Makes you impersonate a chicken!
Me: born to be wild! Or at least free range…
The Hobbit: hahaha
Child number 3 is on a Classic Star Trek kick after watching “Star Trek: Into Darkness” and she has discovered a standard of Classic Star Trek that was parodied by Galaxy Quest: “Their shirts sure tear easy…”
Sometimes, she is her step-father’s daughter 🙂
Two weeks to go for the Kickstarter program. f you have any friends that are considering self publishing their book, want some cool graphics for their page/blog/project – please direct them to my kickstarter project and direct them to the 100$ donation – the illustration for a 100$ donation is more than 1/2 off a normal commission for an illustration and I promise they will be impressed with theirs and praise your name 😀 http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1872789691/tell-me-the-stories-of-jesus-miracle-of-loaves-and
As an update, my Hobbit’s eyesight is rapidly fading. I don’t think he’ll have any eyesight at all by the end of 12 months. We really don’t have plans on how to handle this, just are taking things one day at a time at this point. If you can help fund the project above, even at 5.00, it will help me get set up and started with a job I can do from home. I really need to be home right now, and I’m trying to do everything I can to make sure we stay above water, but it’s not easy.
Am halfway to my goal on my kickstarter project! A big thanks to those of you who have helped out. There is still more to go! Need 100 more dollars! Every little bit helps and the sooner I get funded, the sooner I can start the project. Thank you so much to all who have helped! And I hope the rest of you can help me make that last 100$! URL below.
Part of what I do in the deaf community is teach container gardening. It’s been a passion of mine for a while, and my deaf friends have really enjoyed the pleasures of growing their own vegetables, even if it’s just one small tomato plant. Lots of them love the idea of growing something they can eat.
I will be starting the Master Gardener Program for Harris County next week, and I set up a blog in tandem with that and the Program goals of teaching and encouraging Urban Gardens. This is really mostly for Houston, but if you have a container garden, especially if you are deaf, and would like to share it, please feel free to post here: http://urbangardeninginhouston.blogspot.com/
As always, thank you for the wonderful support. My husband has also been especially encouraging and that is a blessing too.
For those of you that helped me with this novella, there’s a sneak peak up at my artists/authors blog:
Feel free to repost and reblog!!!