Woke up this morning expecting to see you for some reason. Not in bed but feeling like I needed to drive to the hospital to visit you. Then I remembered. The room reminded me. It is a small disaster. It looks like a teenagers room. I am starting to really hate it.
I drove to work this morning and heard: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do on the radio. I cried and turned it off. I was ok by the time I got to work. Just a little depressed, but I am betting no one could tell. Went about my day as usual and as I was dropping off a staking job to the inter office mail box I saw the coffee maker. That’s not unusual but the pot was decaf. You know, the Orange one? It made me think of you and how hard you had to struggle to give up coffee. I thought about how many times you fell off the wagon. How much you lamented the loss of Postum. Its kinda funny actually. I think you fell off that wagon more than you fell off the alcohol one, because you never drank while you were with me, but I found a stash of instant coffee after you died. I don’t think you drink it in the seven months I was home with you, though you may have snuck a coffee at Jack in the box the last few weeks. I know it was really hard for you, trying to find the reason for your stomach pain. You were so hungry all the time. It is so unhobbity not to eat. You have you soda a few times. Every time you did, the pain did seem to diminish, but I think it was only had pain that ended. Whatever else was causing you pain just got bigger and bigger. But I thought it was a little bittersweet that decaf decanters at work, someplace you had never been, remind me of you.
I talked to the lawyer today, not the probate one, and we decided that an autopsy was not necessary. I told him that if I were going to have to spend money on things outside the immediate,I would rather it was a medical expert to look at your records. Then, even if there was no lawsuit or anything,I would have a little more information than, “he was seriously ill.” Plus the county will not cremate you if there is an autopsy. Rather, they won’t pay for cremation and I am already out of money.
I am still waiting for word for when your body can be dressed. It isn’t so important to me, really, and I don’t think it is all that important to you, but it is very Mormon and I told you that I thought you were Mormon long before I fell in love with you, so a little Mormon tradition won’t hurt now. I don’t really want to see your body so many weeks after your death. I have a hard enough time trying to remember your face when you were alive. The last few hours I was with you and your body still repeat in my head whenever I try to think actively about you. If you are allowed to visit me in my dreams, I hope you will and help me to see you when you are alive and happy.
I’m still a little mad at you for leaving. I know it’s not your fault. Sometimes I was mad at you for a crazy episode, though I know that wasn’t really your fault either. Sometimes I was even mad at you for being deaf, because you were blind and already missed so much of what I was saying. Maybe you will listen to me now, though. Our maybe you are to busy. I dunno.
Today, after the decaf thing, I say at my computer at work and started to type in my password but typed in: Banning instead. I know exactly why I typed it, even if it is nothing even remotely close to my password. I was thinking that I wanted to go home, and you know I have always thought of Banning as my home town. More than Houston. But not more than Calinor. … It doesn’t feel like Calinor without you. … I want to go home and I don’t think I really have a home anymore. I am a stranger in a familiar land. I am a wanderer in my own country. Maybe that song in Fiddler on the Roof was right: with him I am home.
My car has been such a good little car. I am so pleased with it. We should have named it something other than: The Kitty Car. That was the name you gave it. I still have the angry birds duct tape on the dash where you punched a hole because you were angry I had quit my job and you didn’t want to tell me how bad your eyes were getting. I remember you still had your old CI then. You didn’t understand me as well with it as you did with the new one. I can’t believe we hardly got to use the new CI. I … just can’t believe we hardly got to use it…
Remember when Dennis asked you “Does it make you happy?” about the Angry Birds duct tape? Remember how we’d always joke about it? I cry every time I remember that. Every.Time.
I drove down Ella today for the first time since my brother sent me back to the hospital to be with you the last two hours of your life. I didn’t know it would only be two hours. We came expecting to be there all night and all morning. But I think you were already gone. I think when I felt that overwhelming sense of comfort earlier that day–I think that was you. Your spirit. Your last gift to me while you were still here on earth.your spirit at least. I think I would have been a lot about at the hospital if they called me while performing CPR on you. They are rather lucky my brother is an Er nurse and that he felt the spirit prompt him to call me and send me back. I still don’t know what”seriously ill” is. Lots of people are seriously ill and not dying. I’m still mad about that…