My parents left today along with Joe and his family, to move them to Maryland with my brother Zeth. I am without family in Houston except for Erin and the boys now. I feel really strange about this. I feel like I am starting over, and yet, I’m not.
The young men from the ward came by tonight and did the yard and everything. It’s too bad that Erin wasn’t here so she could flirt shamelessly and have them all to herself, but the young women were doing something else. I talked to Sister C about my plans to have a garage sale next week to help raise some money, clean things out. Simplify and, I guess, start over.
I got up too early this morning, and I’m going to bed too late, but Wednesdays are always like that for me because of Cub Scouts and Young Women.
I talked to a probate lawyer today. We negotiated about 40% off her normal retainer fee, but it’s still a lot more than I had planned for. I am hoping the garage sale will help. Maybe I should have tried selling your CI after all. I just didn’t want to have to try to do that online. I just wanted all the hardest things to part with to go to the people I thought you’d want to have it. So I gave your CI to Andres. His father Luis, is your good friend. He gets choked up every time we talk about you, and it’s hard not to get choked up too. He really loves you.
I think that is the best part of this horror. But it also reminds me of how things were in our lives. I can see how much people are moved by you. You thought it was pity most of the time. You thought it was just the faux admiration of someone battling a disability. I told you I didn’t think it was, and now you will have to see it for yourself. These people just loved you. You were and are easy to love–when you aren’t being an arse. I am grateful so many people loved you so deeply. It hurts a little, yeah, but it makes my heart swell.
I am also a little surprised to find out how much they love me. I’ve always liked being friendly, bringing flowers to work, doing little “acts of Sam” (as you called them). Mostly I did it to cheer myself up, really. I do still, always feel like a bit of an outsider–a loner, but I think it’s just my nature to be one of those people who gravitates from crowd to crowd, table to table at a party. I’m just not one to settle down in a clique, or a crowd, or a group. But I am glad that it hasn’t adversely affected the way people see me, even if I do sometimes feel odd and lonely. I think, in part, it’s also the nature of being half and half. I think you had this problem too. You weren’t deaf enough to be Deaf, but not hearing enough to be Hearing.
Had lots of choking up moments today, but only a few tears. I had an idea for that fantasy story we had been talking about, the Book of Calinor, and I think I’m going to work on that in my head for a while. I will make you a wizard, and you will save the Kingdom, but you won’t stay. You are Slyfoot the wanderer, and for you, the road goes ever on and on. I will be here, in the Kingdom you made, waiting for you to return.
I don’t know what is going to happen. I feel strangely bereft of everything, even of a plan except what has already been laid out in front of me. I can’t even tell people what to expect next week, or next month. I could be here… I could be gone… I have no idea. I’ve never felt like this before. It is very strange. I hope it doesn’t last long, but God has guided me through these times of joy, pain and sorrow, and I will trust he knows where I’m going, even if I do not.