Earth Goods – A Mars Story

“There is something wrong with the woman I purchased,” Stone said looking directly into the holoscreen that held the image of his closest acquaintance and for the most part, his only source of intelligent human conversation, Yuri Romanov.

“I swear she was virgin!” Yuri proclaimed in his rich Russian accent. “No one touch her.  Doctor look at her and say so. I to send you medical form.”

“That is not the problem,” Stone said, though he was reassured at the information that she hadn’t been compromised. Sitting back in his tall-backed office chair, he took a short breath to calm himself and continued. “I cannot communicate with her.”

“What communicate?” From experience, Stone knew that Yuri’s accent was thicker the more frustrated or confused he was. He used that to his advantage when he was bargaining for a job or goods, but it was little help when he needed information. “You strip her naked, take her to bed. Male part go in female part. Is enough communication.”

“I can’t just–No!” Stone was the one who was frustrated and confused in this case, running his hand through his thick brown hair. “I want to communicate with my wom–with … I don’t even know her name!”

“I no ask name. Just ask for Earth woman, virgin. Pretty. I make sure she pretty because you good customer and I like you.”

Stone understood the compliment, and even gave a quick, “Thank you, Yuri,” in reply because he was just too polite to let it pass. “But where did she come from?”

“Earth. Like you ask.”

“I mean where on Earth?”

“You no ask such questions to men in black market,” Yuri replied. “They think you police.”

“Right. Right.” Stone nodded and sighed. “I just wanted a companion from Earth.  Someone to talk to that I knew was completely free from the plague.”

“Quarantine on Mars make Earth goods very expensive.”  Stone could plainly see that Yuri was trying very hard not to grin like the cat that ate the canary.

“Earth goods…” Stone mumbled and wiped his palm over his face.

“Just take clothes off. Put her in you bed. Naked. She understand.”

Stone shook his head again, stronger than he had before. “I can’t.” He looked up from his hands to Yuri’s black bearded face. He looked like a pirate, Stone thought, down to the gold hoops in his ear. “I can’t do that to her. This is a delicate situation. She is like a–” His mind searched for the right word, his hand swirling in the air in front of him as if it could help conjure the precise phrase he needed. “–a flower. You can’t force a flower to bloom. You have to wait for it to open.”

“You no good with plants,” Yuri replied. “I to be remembering you mother. She good with plants. Romanov’s buy many plants from her. You mother die, plants die, but I still keep you as customer.”

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For the rest of the story go here

Miracles – guest Post by my Hobbit

In ASL, the sign for miracle is “wonderful happening.” The ASL sign manages to be much less problematic than the English word.

So Jesus rose from the dead? That’s a wonderful happening. Jesus walked on the water? That’s a wonderful happening too. You just got a job? Wonderful happening. Your wife had a baby? Wonderful happening! Your cat had kittens? Well that’s wonderful too, but I’m not sure that’s actually a happening. You got a cochlear implant? Hmmm… well, that’s your choice.

Okay, I guess sometimes the concept is problematic even in ASL.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/icpinsaneclownposse/miracles.html

–by Sam Campbell, aka Noelle’s Hobbit 🙂

This is why I never lack for short story ideas…

Him: Well, I’m ready. I’m gonna go and show off my sexy new hairstyle. 😛
Me: ok, remember that your wife loves you as you fend off all the girls throwing themselves at you
Him: I will. It will be difficult, but I will be true. 😀
Him: Teasing. Nobody pays any attention to me outside of class.
Him: I’m not really one of them. I might as well wear a sign that says NOT A NARC

Me: lol
Him: 21 Jump The Shark Street
Me: i doubt anyone thinks the blind man is the narc…
Him: heh 🙂
Me: but it would make a hilarious story
Him: yeah

Blinded by the light

Him: speaking of which, I tried to use that other flashlight, but you took it back. so I need a decent flashlight like that one. Like the other one you gave me
Me:  Well … it is my flashlight.  I don’t remember giving you a flashlight at all.
Him: yes, well
Me:I didn’t know you needed one
Him: yeah I have asked a few times for one like the other one I have. I can just use that one and not bother trying to remember to take it in my bag.
Me: I didn’t know you had one.  But I will get you another one soon
Him: k
Me: It’s just that I don’t normally go to the store, pass by the flashlights and think “Oh yeah! The blind man needs a flashlight! You know… so he can see in the dark… or something…” But I’ll put it on my shopping list 😛