Before I met my husband in person, before we were an item, i wrote up a list of things I wanted in a man. I posted it on my Livejounral and my hobbit replied to it. Here is my list and how he measures up:
1. You have to follow through. Don’t promise me anything you can’t deliver on. The time for dreaming is done – this is a time of doing. You must do what you say. I will be even more disapointed if you don’t follow through on promises you make (have made) to yourself.
This was important to me because I had been in so many relationships where men made promises to me they did not keep, not the least being fidelity. My Hobbit is very good at follow through.
2. Must not lie. Small lies are the worst. Do not tell me you will do something, even if you just tell me to get me off of your back, and then not do it (see #1), no matter how small it is. Lies that are completely unacceptable and will not be forgiven are adultery, addiction and abuse (of any kind, I’m done with all of them).
My Hobbit is so honest I feel guilty for not disclosing as much to him as he does to me.
3. Must be kind. White lies are okay. You must be smart enough to know when to lie. Don’t tell me I look like shit if I’m in labor, have PMS, am suffering from an illness, or am dying of cancer.
I don’t get flowers as much anymore, but I get chocolate, apple soda and when I am sick, he waits on me hand and foot (literally since he will also rub my feet).
4. Do not tease me when I ask you to stop.
This was a big sore spot for me, something my ex did relentlessly, but my Hobbit has never hit it even once.
5. Do not make fun of my hobbies, take interest in them. I promise in return, I will not only take interest in yours, but make sure you have the time and distance you need to participate in them with me and without me (because I know you like time alone or with your friends).
My hobbit is my biggest fan. He treats my creations with utmost respect, sometimes with greater respect than they deserve.
7. Must comfort me when I cry. Even if I am crying and it’s your fault – and you KNOW it’s your fault – and even if it isn’t, you MUST comfort me, no matter how many times I tell you to go away. You must come to me, hug me, kiss my forehead and hold me until I stop crying.
This is a hard one because he can’t see and hear when I am crying unless I tell him and all men seem terrified of crying women. I’m not sure why. In any case, my Hobbit comes and hugs me when I say I having a bad day or I have cramps and aches from fibro. It is clear he is on track here.
8. Must be kind to children, and more specifically mine. They are good children but they have their faults and they have their vices. You can discipline them in a manner appropriate for a close friend, but not in a manner appropriate for a father. If they take advantage of you, we will deal with that together.
He is better at this than blood relatives.
9. Must take as good care of my things as you do of your things. There are ways I can tell how much I mean to you, and one of them is that you think of me on the same level as you think of yourself (or even above). If you see children destroying my things, or see something misplaced, treat it as you would something you personally value. I have found that how you treat the things of your significant other reflects how you treat (and how much you esteem) your significant other. If you know I love Harry Potter, don’t let the children step on the books.
See the hobbies section. My Hobbit honors my creations and collections more than I do.
10. Must love to learn. You should never stop learning
He gets an A+.
11. Must have an interest in a social life. This means you must have friends, be friendly, be willing to MAKE friends, to fellowship and interact with new people. Video games are not a substitute for human interaction.
This is something I would have given him a complete pass on. It is a difficult task for someone with such vastly complicated communication issues, but Sam is more social than my ex was and encourages me to do social activities. He is a great host.
12. Must be willing to sacrifice. In this one, I almost don’t care if it’s for your kids, my kids, me, your family, your dog, your church, your time… I want to see that you believe in something bigger than you.
Yeah. I think the life of a deaf blind man living with kids and a wife involves a lot of sacrifice.
3. Must be willing to address/express your feelings in a healthy way. Don’t laugh and tell me everything is okay when you feel like crap inside. Don’t shut me out that way. You should be old enough to know your own moods and how to express them to someone.
This is always hard for a man but I think my hobbit does it well.
14. Must take equal responsibility in the relationship. Romance isn’t just my responsibility. Housecleaning isn’t just my responsibility. Discipline, cooking, laundry… you get the point.
I think my hobbit is a romantic in the purest hobbit sense. Food is very important in Hobbit courtships and by any measure of hobbits ways ours continues very well.
15. Must be at least occassionally indulgant. (Of me, and I will be of you).
We do extraordinarily well with this considering how poor we are (though at least middle class by Hobbit terms).
16. Must have a personal ethical/ moral code that you adhere to – though not zealously.
Sam had this way before we met and it continues to evolve upwards. He is, simply put, the best man I have ever known.
17. Must be open minded. I think it would be better to say “Must be open hearted.” Example: It’s okay to believe homosexuality is wrong, but it is NOT okay to close your heart OR your ears to a homosexual because you believe their lifestyle is wrong. I know some things will always be hard to hear and I will forgive you for having a hard time hearing it, but I will not forgive you if you do not reflect on those things. That is closed minded.
I would have to say “dittos” for this.
18. Must have a strong work ethic. Signs that you do not have a strong work ethic: you are consistantly late, you call in sick when you are not, you overcharge your boss/client, you have someone else do your work or cover for you.
Though his work is different than I had imagined for my spouse, he still sticks to this. He does work he doesn’t like, he doesn’t make excuses and he finishes the job.
19. Must act upon your feelings. If you feel for me, if something moves you, if you feel something, you should act upon it, not keep it inside and treasure the moment. Moments are meant to be shared not hoarded. Don’t be selfish with your feelings, act upon them (within reason).
This is probably what he does best. We have so many of these small, precious moments.